Managing Holiday Stress
By: Rev. Ann Ohlrogge Johnson, LCPC, LMFT
The holiday season is full of expectations—some realistic, many not. Most of us have expectations of ourselves, and expectations of others. When there is a gap between our hopes and expectations for the holiday season, and our experience of the season, holiday stress is the result. Some people experience this stress as anxiety—others experience the stress as depression. Accepting the fact that there is no "perfect" family or holiday can reduce stress and transform the way we experience the season.
Simplifying both expectations and reality is one way to reduce stress. In order to simplify your expectations, understanding them is essential. Many expectations come from the past, especially this time of year. The following exercises may be helpful. Make a list of your favorite memories of Christmas or Chanukah past on a sheet of paper. Using two additional pieces of paper, make a list on one of the papers, of the memories you might be able to recreate—and on the second piece, list the memories that are impossible to recreate. Put aside the "impossible" list, thus symbolically removing those expectations from your holiday. Taking the list of possible "re-creations" prioritizes the memories by how emotionally significant they are or by imagining how they might be a part of your life this year. At this point some additional expectations and memories will be clearly impossible to recreate—so put them aside symbolically as well.
Now choose one of your remaining positive memories, and focus on a realistic way to make it a meaningful part of your Christmas or Chanukah this year. Use your imagination, being flexible and open to new ideas that come from your own imaginative process—or ask friends or family members with whom you may want to brainstorm for ideas. Release yourself from the expectation to be a perfect parent, super sibling or fabulous friend. Try designing your celebrations based on what is most important from your perspective of past and especially the present.
Negative memories of holidays past are also a source of both depression and anxiety. One way to recognize this stress is to divide a sheet of paper into two columns. Make a list of those negative memories in one of the columns. In the other column, make a list of why each situation will not happen again this year or if the situation is likely to occur, how you can change the situation. Another possibility is to destroy the list of situations you can’t change by tearing it up or throwing it into a fireplace, if you have one. Or imagine wrapping the list around a rock, and throwing it into the lake. In your imagination, watch it sink to the bottom of the lake. You will have symbolically removed those negative memories from this holiday season.
One source of stress in families is the expectation that gathering at Christmas or Chanukah will smooth out all the interpersonal problems that have been ignored for the last year or decade. If something is amiss in a relationship, it won’t disappear during the holidays. Recognizing that a seasonal gathering may be an occasion for old misunderstandings to surface again can protect you from new disappointments.
Feeling out of step with a season that focuses on celebrations is a source of both anxiety and depression. Difficult emotions are magnified in the holiday season, as are grief and loneliness. Though the season celebrates God’s love, light and the birth of a Holy Child, many families have experienced serious illness or death during a holiday season. The sounds and smells of the season can bring an anniversary reaction which calls into the present pain from the past. Recognizing that anniversary reactions can happen more than once can reduce stress and open us to new levels of understanding, awareness and joy.
If your experience of holiday stress moves beyond a manageable level, consider calling the Samaritan Counseling Center or another provider of mental health services.
Some ideas for holiday reading…
Holiday Hope: Remembering Loves Ones During Special Times of the Year, Fairview Press, 1998.
Seasons of our Joy: A Modern Guide to the Jewish Holidays, Arthur Washkow, Beacon Press, 1982.
Unplug the Christmas Machine, Robinson and Staeheli, Harper Collins, 1991.
Watch for the Light: Readings for Advent and Christmas, Plough Publishing House, 2001.