The Power of Positive Talking
by: John Lucas, MA
I have come to appreciate the book, The Power of Two, by Susan Heitler, PH.D. Dr. Heitler puts in simple language how to talk to each other in ways that counteract the sometimes acid tones we use to communicate when we are upset. She also explains the secrets to listening, which are very helpful in becoming an effective communicator. I see too many people who think they are communicating their thoughts and needs, but because of their body language, use of certain words and tone of voice, are, in fact, misleading their listener. When they do this, it takes asking more questions and poking around feelings to get to the heart of their problem.
Many times we really don’t say what we are thinking or feeling. We “beat around the bush,” leaving our listener to try to read our mind. We need to say what is on our mind, verbalize our concerns, fears, hopes and desires. Instead of saying “I wonder what it is like outside,” we should say, “I want to go outside and take a walk. Will you go with me?” Using these words, there is no doubt what you want and the listener can either say yes or no without trying to figure out anything. The danger here, as Dr. Heitler says is, “saying what’s on your mind requires a confidence that your concerns will be sympathetically received.” This is where the listening skills are so important.
Men, listen up please. We are not particularly good at this task of really saying what we want. We were taught to be firm and strong, not to verbalize our feelings. This simply does not work in relationship and it needs to be changed. The silent treatment leads to confusion, frustration, and eventually, anger. I hear it all the time, “He won’t talk to me.” Many times I have to explain that it is because he doesn’t know how. The reality of it is just the opposite. The strength of relationship and the strength of the spouse are in having the confidence to make your inner most feelings and thoughts known. Dr. Heitler points out that “In marriage, silence is more often a sign of weakness, of lack of confidence, rather than of strength.”
Putting aside uncomfortable information is an important piece of every relationship. Dr. Heitler says it so well: “If your mate (friend) is telling you something that you don’t want to hear, reassuring yourself with the following reminders can help you to keep your ears open even when the information is uncomfortable.
- Your behavior is not you.
Your mate can object to something you do or have done and still love you. Acknowledging mistakes opens up possibilities for learning, for doing things differently in the future. - The part is not the whole.
You can have actions that are problematic and still have many other positive traits. Uncomfortable information is easier to digest when you put it in perspective by seeing it as a small piece of a bigger you. - You are not expected to know everything.
Making a mistake does not make you a bad person. It makes you a normal person. - All of us are imperfect.
We all need help listening and learning, and even then we will never become perfect. Perfection is not our make up. All we can aim for is to keep learning.
All of theses tips are very helpful in keeping a relationship on course but the execution of these tips is not always an easy task. We at Samaritan Counseling Center are committed to helping others grow in loving and fulfilling relationships and encourage you to call us if you are looking for support and tools for growth and healing. It takes more strength than weakness to admit you can use help and that strength just might lead to a more loving and enjoyable relationship. Our goal is helping people make a better life because we really care about those whom we serve.