Staying Attached
by John Lucas, MAPC
All of us who are parents want our children to grow into responsible, caring, confident adults. As a parent and a counselor I have come to really appreciate a simple, profound explanation for why some kids are confident and responsible and others are timid and inconsistent.
John Bolby was a psychologist who worked with children who became orphans during World War II. Observations of these children led him to develop Attachment Theory which simply states that children grow up to be responsible adults when their early childhood needs for affection and security are met. Bolby defines attachment as “security resulting from accessible and responsive caregiving.”
A child who feels what Bolby terms “secure attachment” is comfortable taking the risks of exploring the “outside” world—from early journeys across the room to leaving for school--knowing he can return to the protection and security of “home.” In contrast, “insecure attachment” arises when there is inconsistent parental response to the child’s need for comfort and protection. The insecurely attached child feels a rejection of his need for love and acceptance or that his attempts at leaving the nest will be criticized.
After reading many books and articles interpreting Attachment Theory, what continues to affect me is the power that parents exercise over children. From observing us our children learn how to act, live and pray and they don’t miss a thing. When we fail to act in ways that give our kids secure attachments, we have failed our own children and perhaps theirs as well.
All this leads me to marriage. Marriage is the only profession that requires no continuing education, yet marriages change continually and rapidly, for better or for worse. Maintaining the feeling of “secure attachment,” love, protection and security between husband and wife requires continuous learning and hard work. You and I cannot give our children a secure attachment unless we feel it in our own lives.
So here's a suggestion: One way to enhance secure adult attachment is through a marriage enrichment program. For those who wish to undertake the time to learn to better understand their partner’s needs while fostering their own individual growth, a marriage enrichment program is well worth it. Marriage enrichments programs are designed to make your marriage stronger, more fulfilling and to better understand each other’s needs while at the same time fostering individual growth. They will teach you that listening is an art and that communication is essential to building a lasting and loving marriage. While men often get dragged to marriage enrichment programs, I believe that, most often, they are the ones who come away with a new sense of what marriage can be.
Any parent knows the needs of a teenager are not those of a toddler. Throughout life many of our needs change, but the need to feel loved and understood never change. When adults feel loved and understood we feel a sense of well being, secure in what we do and who we are. Only then can we can pass on this security to those we love. When we can give away a sense of security to our children, we make them feel safe and secure in who and what they are. Thus, a healthy life cycle begins that can go on for generations.